My first week in the lone star state...

Two planes and one stopover in Los Angelos later, I made it to San Antonio, Texas. It's interesting to see what's changed and what has stayed the same since I
was last down here. The one thing I miss so far is seeing a white Ford
truck across the street. My friend Chris lived across the street from
me here as long as I can remember and that's the car his dad drove so
whenever I looked outside I would see that truck if the dad was home.
Now they have a new car and it's not quite the same. I also noticed
there is not a playground at the end of my street right now. I
remember going there until my mom called me in when I was growing to
school. The tennis court and community swimming pool is still there,
but no playground. But I have also noticed there are more businesses
right outside my subdivision than there was when I was in grade school.
Now all I have to do is walk a mile and I can go to Walmart, McDonalds,
Wendy's, Chili's, gamestop- places like that.
I love seeing my cat Silver and my mom again. It's nice having my
own room. Apparently all three of us have a bed. Mom and I have our
own room ofcourse,and Silver sleeps on the chaise in the living room
like it's her own personal bed.
So far I've done things like unpack, walked/jogged around the
neighborhood, my friend Jenn Oler spent the night here a few times since I came here, my mom and I watched Gnomeo and Juliet.
I started applying for work, and I got a job as holiday help at Macy's, so I will have an income for now. I can tell I am still getting used to the pace of a big city. In the past few days, I have hardly been at home. Tuesday I woke up swept the kitchen, cleaned the catbox, did dishes , went on careerbuilder, took out the trash, and caught up with my friend Amber. Then I went to the gym with my mom, and saw The Three Musketeers with Jenn Oler. Wenesday, I took the bus to see where I have a job interview tomorrow, and ended up catching up with my friend Carrie. Carrie and I had coffee, and she took me to a cute boutique she knew about before she had to get ready for work. Today I had a job interview, then I had lunch with Jenn Oler , and then I had coffee with Carrie before she had to go to work. Back in Yakima, if I didn't work I might see a friend in the afternoon , and then chill at home in the evening. The only time I was hardly at home there was when I was in "The Crucible."
I still think I'm either really smart or insane for making a move like this. But I guess I'll find out in time, and like they say, you never know until you try.

Turning a new leaf

Leaves are starting to fall from trees, it is getting cooler outside, Starbucks is starting to sell pumkin spice lattees and Halloween is 3 days away. Yes, fall is in the air. For me it meant getting back into theater. I got the part of Sarah Good in "The Crucible" at the warehouse theater. It was a success.:0) Now that the show is over, I have to pretend that I had a life outside the theater before rehersals started, and on November 3rd I am heading back to San Antonio, Texas. I have been wondering lately if moving back to Texas means that I have given up, failed , or something. I am definitely going to miss my life here. I am going to miss going to Manic Thunder Improv with my friends Melanie and Daniel. I am going to miss going to Subway with my friend Amanda and her kids. I am going to miss getting together for lunch with my friend Devi. I will miss getting together for coffee with Sandra. I am going to miss playing games with Becky, Bill and Crystal. I will miss going to bible study / game night with the thirdspace gang, working with Bev, and many other things. I would not mind staying in Washington, but I don't feel like I can stay here until something comes up. Plus,I don't think my current enviornment has really brought out the best in me. With four other people living in a one story house, space and money has become a real issue . My uncle and I are the only two who have jobs right now, and my grandparents are on a limited income, so they really don't have the money to support everyone, as much as they are trying to. I hate getting upset and fighting with my dad over little things, and not having my own room. I don't know what is going to happen to me once I get back in Texas, aside from the fact I will be living with my mom and our cat Silver. But, I hope by moving to a different state with a more positive enviornment, I will have a different state of mind.

Another chapter offically ends...

I found out Brian is engaged to an eighteen year old. Not only that, but they dated about two weeks before the proposal. I've had milk in my refrigerator longer than that , and when I was up at Central, I remember Brian monologing in Subway about his issues with marriage, and that he didn't think there was such a thing as true love. Now all of a sudden he's engaged to a girl he's known for five minutes?
Plus when we dated,Brian said if I even mentioned marriage, I would be kicked to the curb. Even though, he was the only one out of the two of us who even brought it up,and I even said if he felt that way we didn't have to date.
I feel like I am back on the mountain Brian left me alone on for two hours when he had to go for help because his car, WarBitch got stuck in the mud. I feel alone, cold, and still unsure of what to do now that my relationship with "the marijuana man" has really gone to pot.

Brian has tried to contact me. But, I haven't responded to his calls, texts, or email. I miss talking to him. But, what do I say? Even though we kind of dated, and I was proably the last girl you saw naked before you started dating this other girl, and I remember you complaining about marriage, I am so happy for you? I don't know. For once, I am at a loss for words. All I know is that tomorrow the sun will rise, and I hope someday I will see the light again.

Baseball

On Saturday, September 3rd,I went to the last Yakima Bears game of the season. They won 4-5. But as much fun as the last game was, earlier that day Ryan, the boyfriend of my friend Crystal asked me out as I was leaving the building we both work at, and this is not the only time this has happened. Less then a month ago Ryan did the same thing and it would start the same way. Ryan would tell me about the problems he is having with Crystal and then ask if I want a relationship with him. Two years ago when Crystal and Ryan where having problems, Ryan asked me and Melanie if ether of us would date him. A.K.A. when Crystal and Ryan are having problem, Ryan likes to start shopping, and apparently the first store he likes to shop at is Crystals friends even though his card has always been declined every time he's tried to shop there.
Today on our way to the Valley Mall, I told Crystal Ryan is starting to ask me out again.Although I know she is not too happy about it, she deserved to know the truth. As we looked at shoes and ate Taco Bell, I began to wonder if there where any good men still out there because I seem to be a fly strip for bad ones. It was enough to make me not want to play the dating game at all. I spent my labor day curled up on the couch, and watching Sex And The City shows.
But while I may not know men, I know when it comes to dating, men , good and bad will come my way. Sometimes I'll strike out, and sometimes I'll get a home run while I'm looking for that special someone to hit it out of the park with. However, I can't hit the ball out of the park if I don't even step up to the plate.

Mani/Pedi

Today I met up with Melanie and after coffee at Starbucks, we headed to E-nails where we got a manicure and pedicure . Yes, it cost $35 dollars to get everything done. But, when I got to put my feet in warm water, and they rubbed lotion on my ankles, I thought it is so worth it.
After I got home tonight, I ended up talking with Brian on the phone, and the first thing he told me was that he has a new girlfriend. The minute Brian told me that, I couldn't help but remember the last time I went into E -Nails was not too long after I agreed to go out with him.
After our conversation, being the overanalyzer that I am I couldn't help but wonder what happened to us? This past December, I was looking forward to going back to Ellensburg so I could finish school , and be with him. Now he has offically moved on, and I am still on the singles market. (For now anyway, after all circumstances like that always change. :0P) It's not that I want him to be unhappy. But, moving on after a break up has always been the hardest part for me. Even though Brian and I aren't together I'm still used to talking to him almost everyday, and, I will deny this in court, but yes it feels weird not having him try to get with me.
It feels like I tamed a horse, but someone else gets to ride it.
But instead of going down the poor me path, I will say hearing about his issues with marriage, and saying the "L" word (aside from making me feel like I am Carrie ,and he is Mr. Big from "Sex And The City," ) made me realize I want a man who is not afraid of those things. Yes, flings are fun , but finding someone who wants to build a life with you is another part of life, and I don't want to miss out on that when I meet the right person. Until then, it's nice to know for only $35 I can get a manicure and pedicure with my best friend weither or not I am in a relationship. After all, life's too short to be anything short of happy.

Contacts

I helped my friend Dawn Schaefer (name changed to protect the innocent) with a Disability Caucus this past weekend. There where burgers to eat, items on the auction table to be bid on, and contacts to be made. I talked about healthcare, sat by the creek, and talked with my friend Melanie about room mating with other people outside of college.
However, like milk that's been left out for too long, things started to turn sour at the end. Dawn needed Brian, a fellow volunteer to return some things they used at the picnic, and in order to do that Brian needed gas for his car WarBitch. But Dawn did not seem happy when her husband Jerry was giving Brian five dollars for gas. Dawn, for some reason was also not too happy when Brian offered to take Melanie and I home so the Schaefers could save a trip to Yakima.
So, I ended up leaving the picnic full of food, and confusion. Now because of that, and the fact the Schaefer’s always seem to be short of cash whenever they come to town, my mom and Teresa think I should just cut ties with them completely. Now, I have to decide if I want to cut ties or continue my friendship with the Schaefer household. If you know me, you know I hate having to make those kinds of decisions. I love making friends, and meeting new people. So, it is always hard for me to decide when it is time to break ties with someone. To me it’s like going to the dentist. I know I have to, even though I really don’t want to.
However, the Schaefer’s seem to care more about what people can do for them, who they know, and who you know. On the other hand, I have had the opportunity to work, play, and live with one of my best friends before I graduated from school. Our friendship has somehow survived my mood swings, feeble attempts at dating, our different living styles, and me traveling to Florida, England, and France. I think it has survived the test of time so far because I know we just want each other to be the best we can be, not because of our connections, and I just can’t settle for anything less. Contacts come and go, but true friends are worth holding on to. After all, friends have seen you fall on your face, and still choose to be associated with you.

Donna's Bithday Blog

Happy Birthay to me! As of August 6th, I am old enough to know better, but too young to care! *HEHE* This year I had my birthday party in Randall Park. I brought games, but my friends and I just ended up chatting the afternoon away, and I went to the Yakima Bears game that night. The Bears won 5-3 and there where fireworks at the end of the game.
I sometimes worry about the person I am becomming. I hate being responsible for everything, and I am still the girl who bumps into screen doors at her friends house. I still like sleeping until noon when I have nothing to do, and eating greasy chinese food. I am still looking for a full time job , and mainly I am tired. I am tired of food and money being an issue here. Tonight while I was looking for some butter to put on my bread, grandpa said we are out of it until tomorrow, and that between the four of us, he can't keep up with what we eat. That is why if I don't find anything full time soon, I will be moving back to Texas at the end of October. If I don't find anything now, I doubt I will in another year or another few months, and I can't afford to stay and see if something will come up.
I will miss Yakima if I have to go, but I got the feeling I wasn't meant to stay and work here anyway. But, the one thing that has been stuck in my head is a conversation I had with Melanie at the Bears game. Melanie got an email from Dustin on Tuesday saying he finally wanted to get together with her so she could give him his birthday present. However, Melanie didn't hear from him again until after the Bears game on Saturday to arrange a time to meet him. That frustrated Melanie because it seemed like she was the only one really making any effort to get together and Dustin does not have a full time job , on top of living in the same town as Melanie and I. I told her if Dustin does not end up meeting up with her, it is his loss because I have been abroad, and I try not to make people think I'm too busy for them. It also made me wonder about the people we let into our lives.
Perhaps the people who matter the most are not the ones we constantly have to chase down to spend time with us. Perhaps the people in our lives that matter the most are the people who are still friends with you after you accidently bump into ther screen door, let you stay with them even if they don't have alot to offer, and give you tickets to a baseball game for free so you can see fireworks on your birthday.

The Dissapearing Act

After a job interview I had recently, the manager concluded the interview with a simple message: “If you don't hear from us in two weeks, assume the position has been filled.”
Why isn’t it that simple when it comes to dating?
After a date with a guy, if he doesn’t call after a couple of weeks have gone by, the girl he went out with wonders -is it because of a family emergency? Or, is the position of girlfriend going to someone else? In order to find out what she said that was so desperate and needy, that he had no other option but to head for the hills, the debate to call or not begins.
If someone didn’t get the job she applied for, she knows that she can always apply for another job. But it is harder to have that kind of attitude when it comes to romance, because she doesn’t know when she is going to meet someone interesting.
According to 101 Reasons Why Men Stop Calling & What You Must Do About It, by Elaine M.D., the best thing to do when a guy stops calling is to not call him. If a guy really is interested in the girl he just went on a date with, he will get in contact with her when it’s convenient for him.
According to Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, co authors of He’s Just Not That Into You, “you have good reason to want to spend a lot of energy solving the Mystery of the Disappearing Man. But all those excuses, however valid they are, will not help you in the long run. Because the only part of the story that’s important to remember is he didn’t want to be with you anymore. And he didn’t have the guts to tell you that to your face. Case closed.”
There are people out there who will say if a guy has not been in contact with a girl after a couple of weeks to go ahead and give him a call. Maybe he just forgot to call. After all he has a life ,too. However, even though people are busy, isn’t the whole point of dating to find someone they want to include in their life?
So maybe dating is as simple as a job interview. If the person a girl goes on a date with wants the position of girlfriend to be filled by her, he won't leave her hanging.
Some girls manage to get back in touch with a guy that has disappeared. But, as much as good as it feels to hear why the guy hasn’t been in contact, there are better options then the guy with the really “good excuse.” If he were a superhero, the metropolitan city he inhabits would never be saved, and the damsel would still be in distress. We want the superhero that defeats his nemesis, saves the world and gets the girl in the end.

Being right never felt so wrong

This past fall, Melanie finally told Dustin how she felt about him. But, things did not turn out the way Melanie hoped they would. The day after Melanie told Dustin about her feeling for him, Dustin took Melanie to a park and explained that he did not feel the same way.
I remember writing in a previous blog that I didn't think Dustin was that into Melanie. Yes, I get a bit of an ego boost knowing that I turned out to be right about Dustin. But ego boost aside, I do wish things could have turned out better for Melanie. I have known Melanie for seven years, and Dustin is the only guy she has expressed any romantic interest in, aside from Johnny Depp and the guys from Twilight.
Just recently, Melanie pre-ordered the latest Dr. Who DVD boxset for Dustin's birthday this year. It was then I realized even though Melanie knows she and Dustin are just friends, her feelings for him have not changed.
Part of me is thinking it's time for her to move on. But,I know you can't turn feelings off for a person on and off, like a lightbulb or the television, as much as we try to move on when a relationship doesn't work out. People are mix of good and bad qualities. That's what makes them so confusing and complex.
Also, don't we all have a " Dustin" in our lives? That is, someone that we care about , and we hope will one day say "you're the one."

Past, present, and future

I began the new year in a new relationship. But,as much fun as the past few months have been with him, he puts up this wall that I can’t seem to break through, and I know it’s because he’s been hurt in the past. In an attempt to be comforting, caring and optimistic, I have told him not to let his past keep him from finding happiness. But, recently, I have realized he is not the only one stuck in the past.
A guy I used to like accepted my friend request on facebook. I ended things with him last summer because he had two jobs, and time was not on his side. As I looked at his profile picture, I couldn’t help but remember this time last spring, when we were texting each other almost every day and hanging out whenever we could. I also found out he is currently in a relationship with someone. When I found that out, I thought, why her? What did I do wrong? I couldn’t believe these thoughts were going through my head, because I thought I had moved on. I am seeing someone else and, to top it off, on June 11th I am graduating. I guess I feel this way because deep down I know since he never said we were dating, it meant he didn’t want to date me. I can’t say I blame him since I was the busy, emotionally unavailable one when we first met.
But it made me wonder how much baggage we carry from one relationship to the next? Unless you are in middle or high school, chances are the person you are with has some sort of dating history. When a relationship ends, whether on good terms or bad terms, it always sucks because when you start a relationship, you hope it will turn out for the best.
I have always heard that it is best not to talk about the past because the whole point of a new relationship is to hope for a better future. But I know we can’t help but talk about where we’ve been. With that said, I also know that when we dwell too much on the past, we are sad because we think about what we did, what we didn’t do and what we could have done. So maybe when we think about our past relationships, we just have to remember there are reasons why they didn’t make it into our future.

Transitions

May 27,2010
One Thursday night, a Wildcat from Central Washington University met up with a Notre Dame alumni for coffee at Starbucks.
Over a pink passion iced tea lemonade and Americano, I learned this particular alumni majored in accounting and was moving from the westside of Washington to the eastside. Although my iced tea lemonade was good, I found him to be a cool drink. But, hearing him talk about moving reminded me I'm in transition as well.
Not only am I on the brink of college graduation. But a few weeks before meeting up with the fighting Irish, I finally called it quits with a teacher’s assistant.
Although in retrospect I should have made that move sooner. It feels weird saying I called it quits with him because we were never officially together. But ironically, that's why I walked. He said he couldn't get serious because he was working two jobs to pay off a divorce settlement.
For a while I wondered if it was shallow of me to just leave like that. After all, one of my other friends is seeing someone. But they don't call themselves boyfriend/girlfriend because they don't want the pressure of the title.
So why couldn't I just shut up and enjoy the ride? I wanted to have faith that things will turn out for the best. I also wondered was my leaving a sign I had no faith? Then I remembered being asked if I had a boyfriend and I couldn't say yes. That was when I realized I was on a ride I really didn't want to go on and I did have faith. I had faith that I deserved something better.
We’re always going to be coming in and out of something. It may be a job, a place, or a relationship. No matter what it is, transitions are hard because it means picking up pieces of your life to take with you, leaving some behind and adjusting to a new environment or set of circumstances. All you can do is have your head held high and laugh when your friend says we should name our theatre company Numa Numa incorporated. After all coming or going, we're all looking for the same thing. When it comes to love (and money) we're all looking for something or someone we can take to the bank.
As for me and the accountant, all we can do is take things one step or Starbucks at a time.

What Lies Ahead?

I finished college this past March and plan to walk the stage on June 11th. I feel like Princeton from the play “Avenue Q” because I’m wondering, “What do you do with a B.A. in English?” But while looking for my first big-girl job, on top of feeling like Princeton from “Avenue Q,” I also feel like I’m a teenager again. I’m back home living on the mercy and kindness of my grandparents, and I don’t have a lot of money. I know this is a part of life that others have gone through at one time or another, but, to be honest, not knowing what is going to happen next scares me to death. If you know me then you know I like having places to go and things to do when I wake up in the morning. I like knowing that I will have money in the bank, so I can spend it all at Borders and Starbucks, and, of course, I like knowing that I am contributing to the well-being of society.

While a lack of love is not the problem here at home in Yakima, I have been on an emotional roller coaster since I returned because my grandparents live on a limited income, and my dad and uncle live here as well. So, I’ve felt as if there is nothing here but a lack of space and a lack of money; this makes me swing in and out of depression as I go through the process of searching for my first job. I’ve been told to meditate and go for walks to relieve stress, but neither helps because I know no matter how much I meditate or how far I walk, I will still have my bed to make at the end of the day.
Lately, I’ve been wondering, should I have prepared more because of the bad economy? Had I done so, I would have more money in the bank, and I wouldn’t feel so stressed out.
But does anyone really know what’s going to happen to them? Perhaps there is something to not knowing what is going to happen next because for the last 20 years of my life, I’ve known exactly what was expected of me. For instance, I needed to study so I could pass tests, get good grades and ultimately graduate. Maybe now is the time to see what kind of person I really am outside of academia, to see what really catches my interest, and in the end, to get my first big- girl job. So here’s to getting messy, making a lot of mistakes and maybe even learning something along the way.