Not so fearless

Feburary 27,2010
After some pomp and circumstance, my friend Rebecca Wagner offically became Rebecca Crabtree today. When it came time for the boquet toss I told my friends if I caught the brides bouquet, one of them could have it. I even said I would be willing to put in writing I vow to be the last one in our group to be married. It ended up not mattering anyway because Melanie caught the bouquet. They have her on video making a dive for it. After the wedding,I couldn't help but wonder, why was I saying I would give to my friends a sign that means I would be the next one to be picking out a white dress? Isn't a wedding the time when everyone who's single is saying oh I can't wait until that's me walking down the aisle and my dad's giving me away to the love of my life? I noticed in another wedding I got to go to, the bride tossed her bouquet a little short of where the single girls stood in anticipation. But it didn't matter because they ran to it. Where as when the groom tossed the garter belt a little short of where the eligible bachelors stood they just laughed, and looked at it until one of them decided to pick it up. It made me realize I am like those group of bachelors. I have trouble really making a dive when it comes to romance. I usually just say it's because for some reason the men I've met fall short of par somehow. It's not that I don't want to fall in love or anything like that. Above all things I believe in love."There's no wall love can't climb. No obstacle love can't overcome. There's no hurdle love can't hurdle." But I'm afraid of turning out like my mother if things go sour. Yes she always makes sure I have food to eat, clothes on my back and loves me unconditionally. She's somehow managed to provide for both of us and a cat on a single income. I do admire her for that. But over Christmas she called my dad an idiot and she's been saying that since the divorce along with complaining about how it took him forever to pay child support. (Becuase of this, at times growing up I felt more like her relationship counselor. Only I didn't get paid to ask ,"and how does that make you feel?") I know it's their issue not mine. But I also know the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I just hope now that I realize this, it will not cost me my chance to say "I do" someday.